Is people pleasing affecting your relationship, and what can you do about it?
People pleasing is such a common tendency in relationships, and if you’re a well-practiced people pleaser, or are in a relationship with one, you may be all too familiar with the dynamic.
Today I want to explore what lies at the root of this sometimes lovable, sometimes infuriating, trait and what can we do about it if we want to break free of people pleasing patterns and enjoy relationships on more equitable terms.
Let’s dive into it’s definition, meaning, behaviours, causes from a psychological perspective, how it negatively impacts relationships, and most importantly, how to stop people pleasing and replace it with more wholesome alternatives.
“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself”.
- Paulo Coehlo -
Meaning of people pleasing
What is the definiton of people pleasing?
People pleasing simply put is the tendency to prioritise other people’s needs and feelings over our own and to accommodate those, often to the detriment of our own well-being. Whilst it may appear fairly benign as far as character traits go, it can throw up some very real and very challenging dynamics in relationships that can hinder our capacity for intimacy, autonomy and ultimately happiness.
What is a people pleaser?
How do we spot people pleasing behaviour… aren’t we simply just being nice?
If we have a tendency to people please we might notice that we constantly seek our partners approval, suppress our feelings to avoid conflict, and in some cases do things we might not want to do purely in the interest of keeping our partner happy. On the surface this might seem like the natural and healthy compromise that makes relationships work, but the roots of people pleasing and the long term impacts on our own self-esteem and the health of our relationship make it something to be vigilant for.
People pleasing behaviours
Am I a people pleaser? How do I know?
People pleasing in our relationships can be something we slip into occasionally, but it becomes more problematic if it is a pattern of behaviour that we have little choice over and default to even when it is to our detriment. If you have a sneaking suspicion that you might be a people pleaser and want to explore, consider asking yourself the following questions and notice what comes up for you.
Do you find you constantly say yes to your partners requests or demands, even when you’re exhausted or really don’t want to do something?
People pleasers have a hard time saying no, so if you find yourself agreeing to plans and requests even when you don’t have the energy for it this is a strong people pleasing signal. The worry with this behaviour over time is it can very easily lead to burnout or resentments, particularly if you’re pushing through your own boundaries and limitations of energy, and are not able to express your own needs for time and space.
Do you find yourself shutting down during arguments, avoiding saying what you really think or avoiding conversations altogether?
Conflict is kryptonite to a people pleaser, it makes us feel uncomfortable, unsafe and very vulnerable. So if you have people pleasing tendencies you can be sure you won’t be rushing in headlong to voice an unpopular opinion to your partner, and instead do everything you can to keep the peace. Whilst diplomacy and de-escalation during conflict is a useful skill, if we let unspoken issues, resentments or frustrations build without creating the conditions to be able to voice them and speak up for ourselves, it can create more problems than it solves. We can find ourselves becoming emotionally distant, getting into passive aggressive cycles of behaviour or communication breaking down entirely, which is a huge barrier to the intimacy we might be desiring.
Do you often find yourself putting your partner's needs before your own? This might look like cancelling plans in favour of theirs, or forgoing personal goals in favour of supporting them in theirs.
If we are a people pleaser there is a natural hierarchy in our minds, our partner is definitely higher up the pecking order than us and there might be an inner mantra of ‘if someone is going to suffer it needs to be me’. Whilst this level of consideration may on the surface be admirable, it comes at considerable cost to the people pleaser. Over time we can lose our sense of identity, no longer in touch with our own needs and desires, but simply becoming a slave to the wants and needs of others. The lack of connection, fulfilment and drive that often results can be a really insidious force that erodes a relationship from within.
Do you find yourself more often than not seeking the validation or approval of your partner?
Whether it's what you wear, what you do, what you think, or who you spend time with: when we continually outsource our self-worth and value to another person it can create a level of emotional dependency which leads inevitably to an unhealthy power dynamic and low self-esteem. When we are constantly seeking approval that may or may not be forthcoming it can spin us out into feelings of anxiety and insecurity which can trigger the cycle of even more people pleasing and lead us into a downward spiral towards crippling low self-esteem.
Do you find it difficult to set and hold healthy boundaries with your partner?
Every relationship needs healthy boundaries, without them our relationships become imbalanced, or in the extreme abusive. But a people pleaser will undoubtedly struggle to put these in place. We prefer to allow our partner to wittingly or unwittingly take advantage of our time, resources or emotional energy, rather than rock the boat or risk potential abandonment. Our guilt at setting or enforcing limits creates the potential for us becoming an exhausted doormat who can’t escape, whether that is the intention of our partner or not… it’s not a fun place to be for anybody.
If people pleasing tendencies are left unchecked then we risk the very real possibility of increased anxiety, burnout, depression and worthlessness. Let’s look a bit more into why it’s such an unhelpful trait.
Why is it so unhelpful? The consequences of people pleasing on your relationship
Healthy relationships that really serve us are ultimately those where we feel safe enough to show up as our authentic selves and be seen, heard and valued. Where there is a level of intimacy that both parties are comfortable with, and a balance of power that means both parties feel they have equitable voice, agency and input on the direction and evolving future.
But when one person in the couple has a tendency to excessively people please an imbalance of power can develop. One party is steering the ship whilst the other is going along for the ride, which at times might mean plain sailing, but at other times may leave the people pleaser feeling like they are manning the life rafts in choppy waters. If we are persistently in a dynamic where we don’t feel like we have a real voice and instead are actively suppressing our needs and desires to keep the other person happy, frustration can rapidly emerge and if left can fester into a deep seated resentment. When we feel resentful of our partner it can drive other compensatory behaviours and feelings like passive aggression, depressive states or withdrawing from the partner altogether.
Secondly, as mentioned before, there is a very real risk of burnout for people pleasers as in preferring to put others first, they rarely take steps to meet their own needs, and it’s exhausting.
Finally conflict often gets left unresolved if there is no mechanism for healthy discussion. A people pleaser may silence their own voice in favour of rocking the metaphorical boat, which leads to frustration in the short term and resentment in the long term. All of this erodes the potential for the deep intimacy that so many of us crave in our intimate relationships.
Curious how Relationship Coaching & Therapy can help you overcome people pleasing by developing new tools and techniques, and healing the underlying root? Read more about our services:
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefitting from you having none.”
- Nedra Glover Tawwab -
Where does it come from - THE Psychology Behind People Pleasing
What causes people pleasing? Exploring the routes of People Pleasing - a therapists’ view.
People Pleasing through the eyes of Transactional Analysis
Transactional Analysis, the theory developed by Eric Berne, offers us some explanation for the possible roots of this people pleasing tendency. The strategies we adopt in early childhood to have our emotional needs met by our primary care givers can lead us to adapt unhelpfully in order to cope. Strategies that may work for us as children in the short term yield very little fruit as we progress through adulthood and desire greater autonomy and choice. In our striving for acceptance as children it can be easy to see how we might quash less favourable versions of ourselves into ones that are more palatable for our carers.
A child living with a volatile or unpredictable parent quickly learns how to behave to keep the peace and avoid outbursts that might cause their parent to respond angrily or by withholding affection. They bend themselves into the role of peacekeeper, suppressing natural feelings of distress, anger or overwhelm and instead replace them with behaviours designed to keep their primary caregiver happy… and thus the people pleaser is born. In childhood this may well have kept us safe from the very real and felt sense of threat of abandonment or criticism, but as adults this survival strategy no longer serves us.
I often say to my clients that the system needs a re-boot. Control-Alt-Delete for all those old strategies, and to bring in a fresh, new, more helpful approach.
Family Systems Therapy offers us another lens through which we might understand people pleasing
People pleasing as a role in the family: people-pleasing can emerge from a child’s role in the family, such as being the "caretaker," the "peacemaker," or the "good child." These roles are often cultivated to maintain harmony or to meet the emotional needs of family members, especially when parents are emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or overly demanding.
In families with enmeshed relationships, where boundaries between family members are blurry, people pleasing behaviour can arise as a way for an individual to maintain connection and avoid conflict. When boundaries are unclear, individuals may struggle with autonomy and may feel responsible for the emotions and well-being of others, thus leaning into people pleasing by default.
Family Systems Therapy emphasises the concept of "differentiation of Self," which refers to the ability to separate one's own thoughts and feelings from those of others. People-pleasing behaviour can be seen as a lack of differentiation — the person may struggle to assert their own needs and desires because they are overly focused on the needs of others.
We also learn acceptable ways of being by having it modelled from those around us in the early years of our development. If we saw people pleasing behaviour as the norm in the parental marriage or relationship dynamic of our primary care-givers, we may naturally assume that is the way all marriages or relationships are conducted, and follow suit…
How attachment styles influence people pleasing behaviour
Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, explores the way we form bonds and attachments in infancy and early childhood, and how this shapes the way we relate to others throughout our lives, including in adult relationships. People pleasing behaviours are often deeply connected to attachment patterns, so let’s have a look at the two most common attachment styles; anxious and avoidant attachment.
Someone with an anxious (or insecure) attachment style has a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, but this is polarised by a strong fear of abandonment or rejection. Children who develop an anxious attachment often experience inconsistent caregiving, where their needs may not have been consistently met. When a feeling of ‘secure attachment’ is sporadic, we learn as children to be hyper-attuned to others’ emotional states. We are constantly on the lookout for signals of rejection or abandonment, and may become excessively people pleasing in an effort to gain the affection or approval we seek. If the only way a child learns to maintain emotional closeness is to please others, this becomes entrenched as people pleasing.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style might focus on fulfilling the needs and desires of others, in an unconscious attempt to maintain a sense of control in managing the relationship, and to minimize conflict. This strategy can also serve as a way to avoid the vulnerability that is necessary for true emotional intimacy. When you please your partner on auto-pilot, there is no need to turn inwards and feel your own feelings, voice your truth and therefore ‘risk’ being truly seen. When someone consistently prioritizes others' needs over noticing their own, it can hinder the development of authentic connection. Your partner can never get to know the real you. This distance then reinforces your belief that emotional closeness is unsafe or unattainable, perpetuating the avoidant attachment pattern.
We can see that the roots of people pleasing will often begin very young, and here as ever I invite you to take a compassionate stance with yourself. It can be easy to berate our adult selves for people pleasing, seeing ourselves as a pushover, a doormat, someone with little backbone who is not very strong or adaptable. But the younger you was working really hard to keep you safe, it adapted in the best way it knew how to have your needs met and create and maintain close warm relationships that we all need for our survival and thriving.
How do I overcome my people pleasing tendency?
How to stop people pleasing behaviours?
If people pleasing is no longer serving you well in your relationship and you’d like to explore a more equitable, autonomous way of being there are a few steps you might take to gently explore.
Firstly, as with all personal and spiritual work, awareness is key. Raising your awareness of what external and internal circumstances trigger the people pleasing response in you can be very helpful. Journaling is a valuable process for gaining some of this deeper insight in a gentle, relatively non-confrontational way. You might like to take some time with a journal and your thoughts to explore the following:
With whom do I notice I tend to people please? Is it just in your romantic relationship, or also at work, socially and with family members?
What is important to me about that relationship?
What do I notice when I am people pleasing in terms of my thoughts, emotions and physical (bodily) sensations?
What am I trying to achieve and avoid when I slip into people pleasing?
What is the short term pay-off of people pleasing?
What are the longer term costs?
What are the early warning signs you notice of ignoring or suppressing your own truth, needs and direction? Make a list of indicators that arise when you begin to get the tendency to people please. Consider what thoughts cycle round, what emotions arise, how you feel in your body and what behaviours result from this inner turmoil.
People pleasing in the short term is often a way of avoiding immediate discomfort of confrontation or conflict. Taking steps therefore to practice tolerating a little more discomfort can be a useful muscle to flex. One area to explore this might be to work on increasing the space between request and response. When someone asks something of you, where in the past your instinctive response would be to say yes regardless of the consequences to yourself, consider buying yourself some time with “let me think about it”. This creates a little space for you to reflect, consider your motivations, explore your own needs, and come to a more intentional response.
Someone who is prone to excessive people pleasing may believe that the only alternative is a hard boundary, a conflict or a total breakdown of a relationship. It’s easy to see why this might be the internal narrative if the roots lie in early childhood. In Buddhism there is the concept of the Middle Way. It doesn’t have to be a binary this-or-that scenario, a middle way that leaves room for communication, negotiation and the finding of a win-win is absolutely possible. The aim is consensus, not compromise! Tools like the four steps that the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Model offers us are a way to work with this.
Of course this landscape can be tricky to navigate on our own, and there is always the support of a well-trained Psychotherapist or Coach available, one who can help you explore the deep roots, resolve any trauma that might be contributing and help you find new, more empowering strategies and ways of coping.
When people pleasing is something you struggle with, and you would like that level of support please don’t hesitate to get in touch, I’d be delighted to help.
Karin Peeters