Love Coach & Relationship Therapist in London and worldwide (online). 

Love Coaching London and worldwide online

Love Coach & Relationship Therapist Karin Peeters shares her vision on love

I have often reflected on what it is that makes the connection, security and joy in my own relationship possible, and what our ‘secret’ is that my friends so often ask me for, and I think it’s this.

There is a definition of love in Buddhism that underlies our way of being together and it is:

“Love is the wish for the other person to be happy.”

It sounds simple and in some ways it is, but the problem with this definition is that it could lead us to become martyrs, sacrificing our own needs. When we put our partner before ourselves as if it’s a trade-off that is needed, which makes it seem there is only enough love for one, or the other.

Many of us misunderstand the spiritual concept of “no-Self” and hope that if we need less ourselves and instead care more about the other by pleasing and accommodating more, we will not be rejected. We fantasise that this will make us loved and all will be well. But actually, this is emotional self-starvation.

When we investigate these self-abandonment behaviours with curiosity and kindness, we can see that underneath them there is a deep desire to be liked. It may not actually be about the other person’s happiness at all, but rather a well-meaning attempt to get what we want and need for ourselves. Our actions might look kind and loving on the outside, but when we explore our deeper underlying intention, we can see it for what it is: a wish to be loved, for our partner to stay with us and to make us happy. We often confuse love with attachment. Attachment is a grasping, a need, a holding onto. We desperately cling out of fear of losing the thing/person/job that ‘makes us happy’.

So that definition of love being a wish for the other person to be happy, maybe the way we went about it has been about making ourselves happy all along…

Of course our need to be loved is a normal and fundamental human desire, so we don’t have to beat ourselves up over it, we’re only human after all, not angelic, enlightened creatures who have mastered pure love.

True love however is free, open, wide, spacious and complete in and of itself. The feeling of love is filling our cup. Our own heart does the loving, and that is what nourishes us. It really has not that much to do with the other person at all…

At Vitalis Coaching & Therapy we work from a secular perspective, drawing on the richness and wisdom of many traditions. Above I spoke about a Buddhist definition of love. Here is a Christian prayer on love called ‘Make me an instrument of your peace’ that is really inspiring:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

- St. Francis of Assisi -

We have had our fair share of struggle, don’t get me wrong. I’m not claiming here we are perfect. That we have it sorted. That it’s easy. That it all comes naturally. Far from it!

There has been a time when we have had to take space from each other to make sense of things, to re-connect with ourselves individually in order to then re-unite from a stronger, clearer place. There has been a time when we honestly weren’t sure if the relationship would continue. We have had to be humble and ruthlessly honest with ourselves to recognise when and how we were behaving in ways that were hurting the other person, however unintentional. We had to learn to communicate, and be vulnerable. We had to learn how to take care of oneself first, in order to be strong and resilient within oneself, before stepping into the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual space we share.

But even when we went through rocky times, our kindness, patience and thoughtful consideration of each other was inspiring people. My friends used to say that seeing us together gave them hope that love exists. In the good times, but interestingly enough, also during the challenging times.

Whilst I am undoubtedly ‘in love’ with my dear husband, whilst in him I have someone to share playful and joyous moments with, to laugh and cry with, to do life with, it’s true love that sustains me. The true love that I know we all need and crave at our foundation is not a love which depends on someone else to give it to us. The true love that sustains us and makes us come alive is the love that we can find inside ourselves, and inside the act of truly loving. Our partners are ‘only’ a catalyst, waking up the capacity for love in our own heart.

When we connect with a deep and true love inside of ourselves and can then radiate that love outwards, that is a love that is infinite and pure and expects for nothing in return, as it is fulfilling in and of itself. I believe that ultimately it’s not the other person that makes us happy, but the act of loving in itself, our soul being one with love.