How to use mindful journalling to quiet your inner critic
Enjoy these simple mindful writing exercises to tame negative self-talk, manage anxiety and cultivate a more compassionate inner voice.
I was having an interesting conversation at a birthday party the other day. One of the guests was in the midst of an anxiety spiral, made worse by the loud voice of her inner critic. She was distressed, recounting a simple everyday occurrence for her of having sent a message to a friend. And that friend, with whom they’ve had a fairly tricky past relationship, hadn’t replied within a few hours.
Let me share what happened next, and how mindful journalling helps to tame our inner critic.
She shared how, for the last several hours, she had been repeatedly checking her messages wondering why this friend hadn’t responded and getting herself into a bit of a state as to why that might be.
“Was my message ok, did it get received, what is he thinking of me, why hasn’t he got back to me when he normally would, maybe he’s just busy, maybe he’s not, have I done something wrong, should I have said that?”
A whole avalanche of questioning and doubt accompanied with those uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and lack of confidence that were so familiar. What was also interesting about what she then shared, was there was this whole other layer of being angry with herself, of self-flagellation, berating and frustration that came alongside the first monologue:
“Oh my goodness why do I get myself into this mess, why am I getting so hung up on the fact that this person hasn’t replied, why do I always do this to myself, why am I so triggered by this and why can’t I just leave it alone, oh my, I’m such an idiot, this is so ridiculous, I shouldn’t be reacting like this, for heaven's sake I’m a grown up, a competent person, why am I allowing myself to be so fixated on this, why can’t I just let this go? It really shouldn’t be such a big deal!”
What’s interesting about this dynamic, is that we have the original point of pain or challenge, which is the message hasn’t been responded to and the resulting feelings of rejection and perhaps abandonment, and then we have this other interplay where the inner critic takes hold and berates us for having that response.
The second arrow of the inner critic
In Buddhism this two-layered experience is often referred to as “the two arrows”. The first arrow is the event that creates the first point of pain, in this case the lack of response and the feeling of not being heard and rejected.
The first arrow is painful, it hurts, and then there’s the second arrow, and this is often felt as more acutely painful than the first. It’s our reaction to the event. It’s what our mind does, the story we spin around our pain. The lamenting about the event that has happened, the imagination of worst case scenarios, and the onslaught of a highly pointed vitriol of self-loathing.
Buddhism states that we can’t help the first arrow. The first arrows are going to be there, life is suffering, there are going to be challenges, that is an inevitable feature of our human experience. But, ancient wisdom reminds us, we can do something to mitigate against the impact of the second arrow.
The first arrow is pain, the second arrow is suffering. the pain of life is inevitable, yet suffering is optional.
There’s a little more on the second arrow on our sister site Inner Pilgrim:
Our antidote to the second arrow, to eventually prevent it from being present in the first place, is self-compassion.
connecting to a kinder inner voice through mindful journalling
The power of self-compassion to quiet our inner critic
For compassion to work its soothing balm on the mind and soul it requires the cultivation of a different kind of inner response, a different kind of inner voice. Rather than the overly judgemental critical parent voice that comes in telling us everything that we have done wrong, instead the invitation is to be open to a voice that can come alongside us in our pain and be a more loving companion.
Mindful journalling helps to develop this compassionate inner voice. I’ll share some simple yet very profound techniques with you at the end of this post.
This warm, safe and friendly inner voice is one that speaks much more tenderly to us. As a loving parent might do, or a wiser, higher self. One that offers empathy, understanding and encouragement. A voice that is loving, safe and friendly.
In these situations the new voice would speak up and instead of speaking to us as the inner critic:
“Oh you’re such an idiot, you’ve got yourself in such a state again, what's wrong with you, this isn’t necessary and for goodness sake get things in proportion!”
This new compassionate inner voice would have an altogether different tone:
“Oh my darling, I can see that’s really hard for you. You’ve been triggered into feelings of rejection and that really hurts. I can see that you’re really questioning why this keeps happening and that questioning must be exhausting. Yes, I can see why this is a real struggle for you and it’s ok. It's ok that you’re in this experience, and it’s ok that you’re having these feelings, and its ok that you don’t know how to cope right now. Maybe we could just welcome that and sit with that anxiety and that worry and that abandonment and just accept that it’s there. It’s ok because I'm here and you don’t have to do this on your own.”
A compassionate inner voice doesn’t just naturally arise for many of us, it can be a real stretch to even imagine that this might be possible as a default reaction to the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that occasionally overwhelms us.
The instinctive presence of a compassionate inner voice requires us to have had some lived experience of that in our lives. If that hasn’t been present for us in those early stages of development, from a loving parental figure or an attentive caregiver, someone who we feel seen, heard and valued by, then the internal voice that gets cultivated isn’t one of empathy and warmth, kindness or understanding, but rather one of failure and chastisement and ‘must do better’.
For many of us, our therapist models this compassionate voice, and helps us integrate it into our own being.
Mindful journalling to reduce the hold of the inner critic
There are many ways to begin to cultivate this new relationship with ourselves and this internal compassionate companion. Coaching for Self-Confidence and Psychotherapy, done well, gives us an experience of what it feels like to be met with compassion, modelling for us some of those attitudes and words that over time build self-worth and reduce anxiety and get to the root causes of those behaviours.
In addition to working with a skilled Coach or Therapist, one of the simplest tools for silencing our inner critic and holding a safe, compassionate space for ourselves, is journalling.
The concept of keeping a journal to help manage anxiety or as a tool for personal and spiritual development can easily be dismissed as being a somewhat amorphous practice with little practical value beyond self-indulgent navel gazing or gratuitous catharsis. However, for those keen to get a handle on anxiety and begin to develop a wholly more confident, compassionate relationship with themselves, it might just be the daily habit to cultivate if you want to keep your head when the arrows come your way.
Morning Pages prompts by Julia Cameron
Discover the mindful writing exercise “Morning Pages”
Journaling can take many forms, it came into particular notoriety with the release of Julia Cameron's book “The Artists Way” in the early 1990’s. Her suggested practice of Morning Pages has since been taken up by several notable high-performers, not just those in the arts, as a way to calm the agitated thoughts of the monkey mind and invite a sense of clarity and calm at the outset of the day.
Instructions: Morning pages is the simple routine of sitting down with pen and paper and writing uncensored for three pages, that’s it, anything goes. Julia Cameron refers to the practice as “spiritual windscreen wipers” to clear the mind, build greater confidence and make way for increased creativity, and in my own experience it does just that.
You can read the thoughts and experiences of American entrepreneur, author and angel investor, Tim Ferris, on his daily practice of Morning Pages here: https://tim.blog/2015/01/15/morning-pages.
provide a safe haven for your thoughts
Two ways in which mindful journalling shifts the nature of our inner voice
When we consider the potential efficacy of Morning Pages and other mindful writing techniques in relation to shifting the nature of our inner voice from a critical to a compassionate tone, this simple practice does several things:
Firstly it gives us a place to allow free expression. When we give ourselves permission to ‘speak freely’ without judgement something inside us starts to shift. Our journal is a place to safely contain what we might consider to be unpalatable for outside consumption, and provides a space to release what might otherwise be trapped and circling in our mind. It clears the slate and, with repeated practice, reinforces the belief that what we think and feel has some validity and place.
Secondly it enables us to witness our own thoughts, to notice the patterns of how we talk to ourselves and the quality of the tone. It helps us develop a meta-awareness of Self, one step removed from the turmoil of the anxieties or emotional waves that can leave us floundering. This is an excellent step in being able to have some agency over how we choose to accompany our Self in the world.
Supportive mindful journaling prompts to befriend your inner critic
If you want to be a little more prescriptive with your journalling and start a more direct dialogue with your inner critic then these approaches and writing prompts might help.
Uncovering your inner critic in your morning pages
If you’d like to gain a little more direct insight as to how your inner critic or patterns of anxiety show up you can examine your Morning Pages with a gentle curiosity to gain that awareness.
The process is simple. Once you’ve allowed yourself free rein for your three pages your writing comes to a natural end. Stop, breathe, take a moment to let that settle. Then with an attitude of gentle curiosity perhaps taking a pen or pencil of a different colour, and re-read your writing. Circle or underline anywhere in your words where that critical voice shows up. Notice the words you use, notice where anxiety creeps in, notice the nature of the critic. Just notice, judgement-free if you can.
It’s important as you do this to try and keep a slightly detached perspective, one where you are simply observing rather than looking for more opportunities to beat yourself up. When you discover the places where your critical inner voice is speaking, you can simply acknowledge with a kind voice to yourself “Ah yes I see what’s happening here, isn’t it interesting how this inner critic is making itself known here”.
Developing a dialogue with your inner critic or anxious self
If you want to take it one step further you could enter into a dialogue with that inner critic via your journal. Write a compassionate letter or response back to that critical part of yourself with the explicit purpose of simply acknowledging its presence and feelings, not seeking to change it in any way, just accompanying that part of yourself with as much kindness as you can muster. It might go something like this:
Morning pages excerpt…
“Urgh I’m so utterly frustrated with myself today I can’t believe I’ve ended up in this place again, no sleep last night, mind going over and over this stupid thing with Simon, why do I get so caught up in these endless drama’s when all I want is to live a peaceful life? I shouldn’t be so spun out by the fact that he didn’t text, it’s ridiculous, I feel like I’m only just scratching the surface of all this work I‘m doing on myself and I’m getting nowhere. Something like this happens and I’m back to square one. Is there any point at all?”
The response in your letter of compassion:
“Oh dear one (or whatever feels right), I can see how you are struggling right now. So frustrated and angry and feeling that it’s all so pointless. I hear you, I can imagine that it must feel so exhausting. The endless going over and over everything, doubting yourself, wondering if you’re ever really good enough. How you long for a peaceful life and it must be so painful to have it disrupted like this. I hear you. I’m here and listening if you need to say more. …”
An important final thought…
Developing a compassionate inner voice takes time, old patterns sometimes die hard and if your inner critic has been with you for what feels like a lifetime then it may be a tenacious old friend continually inviting themselves around for tea whether you like it or not. If you haven’t yet considered using your journal as a tool to help work with this aspect, you can begin tomorrow morning. Just three pages of writing to let your voice run free.
See what you can discover and if you invite the window of self-compassion to open just a little, you may be surprised at the breathe of fresh air available to you.
Would you like a professional to support you on a one-to-one basis to overcome your own inner critic, and develop a kinder compassionate inner voice?
Leave your details here, and we’ll be in touch for a free Discovery Call about working together:
