What does it really mean to love someone?
The meaning of love - as seen through the humble eyes of a Love & Relationship Coach
Loving someone
How do you do that?
What does it really mean?
How to do it ‘properly’?
But let me start by saying
That I've got quite a few friends
Who are single.
Lots of single clients too.
(Sometimes I have two clients
Who I wished I could match 😉).
It can be hard being single:
Entertaining oneself
While friends are with their own family.
Finding someone to go on holiday with.
The wild west of dating apps.
Paying the bills all by oneself.
Being OK with one’s own company.
Gosh we learn so much
From being single…
And yet
Being in a relationship
Isn't easy either.
It’s not the holy grain
That promises instant heaven.
Yes the first 18 months are bliss.
But then you get to know each other,
And the challenges begin…
You’re being invited
To learn how to love.
So let’s talk about this thing called love.
What does it mean, really,
To love someone?
How to navigate the terrain
Of being with another human being?
Let begin with what I believe love is (from my humble eyes).
When we say “I love you”, what does it mean?
What is the meaning of love according to a Relationship Coach?
Some of us are in a relationship
Because we want the other
To makes us happy.
That “you complete me” thing
From the movies.
We are in it,
Because of what we get.
So don’t immediately think
“Oh that isn’t me”.
It’s very subtle:
Telling your husband what to wear,
So you feel proud walking next to him.
Instead of letting him decide his own outfit.
Not wanting your girlfriend
To hang out with her friends in a bar,
Fearful she’ll meet someone ‘nicer’.
Not wanting your partner to leave
Even when they are unhappy.
Could it be that instead
Of love being about
How the other is supposed to be
And act towards us,
Or about what we get from the other,
Could it be, possibly, maybe,
That love is the wish
For the other to be happy?
Not, what do I get.
But instead, what can I contribute?
How can I benefit my partner?
How can I contribute to their happiness?
How can I serve?
How about saying “I love you”
Is like saying “I wish you happiness”?
Let me give you an example:
You like beach. Your partner likes mountains.
Let’s say you somehow make it happen
That the family holiday is to your
Preferred destination.
You get what you want. In the short term at least.
Long term costs and fall-out
Will reveal themselves in due course.
The solution is not to go to the mountains.
The idea is to communicate to find a win-win.
For example a beach near mountains.
Or a family trip to a beach,
And a solo weekend to the mountains.
Why should we always go together anyway?
You get the idea?
Love is not a compromise.
Love is a win-win.
“Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.”
The Dalai Lama
Love is wishing the other to be happy
So hold on for a moment,
I don’t mean self-sacrifice.
It’s not about giving in,
Or martyrdom
Or not respecting your own boundaries.
Of abandoning yourself
To please the other
Out of fear they might otherwise leave.
That isn’t an act of love.
Because, you know,
If your partner loves you
According to this same definition of love,
They’d never want you
To ignore your own needs
For their benefit.
They are doing all they can
To contribute to your happiness.
So how can they ever
Want you to do something
That isn’t kind to yourself?
Love is wishing the other to be happy.
Isn’t it?
So ideally, when you please your partner
Beyond what’s good for you,
They’ll point that out.
They have your happiness at heart.
Love is a long term sustainability thing
Not an instant gratification.
It’s supposed to last no, your relationship?
At least, that’s the idea…
So why not bring happiness to the other?
To contribute to their joy.
To make them feel loved.
To make them feel you cherish
Their presence, their company, their being.
And my wish is,
That your partner does the same for you.
It might take time and Practise,
A round of Couple Counselling,
A weekend workshop together,
Individual therapy to become aware
Of behaviours and thought patterns
That are no longer serving you.
Tools to recognise how you trigger
Each other’s old wounds.
Because we often unconsciously
Choose a partner
Who gives us a similar experience
As we had at our childhood home.
Relationships are a delicate terrain:
Fertile field of growth, joy, immense love.
Yet so easily turned into misunderstandings.
Feeling hurt. Anger. Resentment.
And maybe, just maybe, if you no longer
Make your partner happy
Or they you,
The greatest act of love
Is to let each other go?
How to balance self-care
While honouring your partner’s needs?
How to not be too dependent
On reassurance,
While staying true to yourself?
How to not be frightened of rejection
After each and every disagreement?
How to not shut down and disappear
After feeling criticised?
What helps?
To not take stuff so personally.
Whatever your partner does
Says more about them
And where they are at
Than it says about you.
In the same way,
Whatever you do, or say,
Reveals more about you
Than that it defines your partner.
Learning to communicate together
In a safe, non-threatening way
Is the most precious gift.
Learning how to love each other
In an unconditional, respectful,
And mindful, healthy way,
Oh the growth in that!
Love is the essence of everything,
But love is also a verb.
To love.
To be loving.
To be loved.
It’s an action.
A choice.
A decision.
A willingness.
A willingness to love
I say to clients
With relationship challenges:
“Is it a matter of CAN not
Or WANT not”?
When we are willing to love
There is a way.
I truly believe in that.
Love is the wish
For the other to be happy.
And in the generosity of giving
Feeling fulfilled oneself.
And let’s finish with the wise words of
The Dalai Lama:
Love is not complete
Until it includes oneself.
I look forward to hearing from you.
May you love and feel loved.
Warmly, Karin Peeters
Coach & Psychotherapist
Founder of Vitalis Coaching & Therapy
Source: Inspired by teachings on love from Buddhism.
